Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
