His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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