I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
