I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
