how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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