this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
