Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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