I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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