i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
