if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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