the condom got lost in my hair
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
