I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
