im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
