I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
