he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
