A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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