I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
