On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
