dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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