there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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