Don't make out with my wife yet
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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