Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
