Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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