i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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