i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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