I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
