i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
