i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you had me at cake vodka
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
