i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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