I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
