I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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