I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
