Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
