We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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