he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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