Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
