Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
