mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
