I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
