I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
