Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i have two assholes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
