Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No subtext here. People are naked.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
