Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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