don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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