Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
