I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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