party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
