fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wish my penis had a tongue
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
