Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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