Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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